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I feel like a lifetime has passed since I last posted, even though it has been just one week. In that short week, I traveled to New York City and back. There, I celebrated my thirtieth birthday and the New Year.

It was an amazing trip, and I was feeling overwhelmed as I tried to figure out how to post about it without going overboard. {If you want to see almost all the pix from the trip, check out the five {!} albums I added on Facebook. :)} While browsing some of my favorite blogs this morning, I had a somewhat brilliant {in my opinion} idea: I will post about my trip under topics; such as my clothing/the outfits I wore each day, decor inspiration, and entertainment/food/shopping. So, I will begin tomorrow with the clothing post. :)

As for today...

Well, it almost seems as though a deep and thoughtful post is required of me, seeing as how I just turned thirty. Wow. Thirty.

I'll give it my best shot here...

I am amazed and humbled at what my life looks like as a thirty year old. God has been so very good to me. At the same time, I'm not sure quite how to express my feelings about how my life looks right now. I never want to appear ungrateful or unhappy, because the truth is that I am happy and thankful beyond words. The blessings I have experienced are too numerous to list here.

In spite of feeling extremely blessed, or maybe because of that, I am not satisfied or fulfilled. That is a pretty raw and vulnerable statement, but it is truth. I want to do more, to give more, to achieve more.

My hands are a little shaky, because I feel the urge to dig deep and share more right now. Feel free to run the other way, or at least stop reading if you don't want a look into my soul and a glimpse at my dream.

Ten years ago this March, I started photography school, and a new chapter of my life began. It was clear from the beginning that I had the talent and people skills to succeed. The question then and now, ten years later, was: Can I run a business? I honestly don't know. Nothing about the business aspect really appeals to me. And yet, I love the rest of it.

I have a good solid job, where I work in a quiet office during the week. I am free to bring my laptop and work on photography stuff. I have very kind and flexible bosses who give me any days off that I request. For a long while, I was weirdly ashamed to tell people that I have a "day job" because I was afraid that it made me seem like some sort of failure as a photographer. And maybe it does. But I am mostly happy working here, and I feel blessed to have the steady paycheck.

But do you want to know what my dreams look like? In my dreams, in the corners of my mind occupied by beautiful fantasies, I own a cool little building {much like the one used as a backdrop in the photos of my last post} that is part thrift boutique and part hang out spot.

I would employ members of my family to work and have it open pretty much around the clock. Imagine: a place here in Oklahoma City where you could shop after 10pm, other than WalMart! :)

I would cover the walls with my photos and other cool art pieces. I might even be inspired to create some art with a paintbrush again -- which I haven't done in years and years.

I would use a tiny little part of the building as a natural light studio. Because, oh yes, I would still be a photographer. I would shoot artsy and beautiful portraits for very cool people. And perhaps my name would spread, and I would make connections with the right people, and end up doing random commercial portrait assignments of important folks.

I would find some cool old dress forms and mannequins, and I would create whimsical and cool outfits to display and sell. I would get to spend hours combing through thrift stores and garage sales; because after all, that would be part of my job - to find unique and thrilling items to sell at my own shop. My sister Mandi would help me with this part of it. :)

Another part of it would be the entertainment aspect. Growing up, my house was usually the gathering spot, where everyone felt welcome. I loved it, but it sucked when I wanted to get out of the house - because I knew the other options I had for hanging out were never as much fun, or they closed at 9pm {like thrift stores and the library - I was such a cool kid ;)}. As a teen and in my early twenties {heck, even to this day}, I always wished there was a place to go and just hang out. Sort of like a coffee shop or bookstore, but with clothes and art and such! :) And very laid back. Just a place. To go and chill. Not somewhere you had to buy a drink or food, but where you could hang out like you were getting dinner or a drink. Make sense?

I could create that place. I know I could. There would be stacks of magazines {I've got 'em! :)} and books, a tv where there was always a good old movie or tv series or music videos playing, maybe a ping pong table or something random...like a shuffle board table! :) Board games would be a must. And, of course, the shopping. There would be cool clothes and great art on the walls.

It would be a cool place where cool kids {I use the term loosely - after all, I am a 30 year old kid} could hang out...an alternative to going out and getting wasted or sleeping around or the countless other things "kids" do when they are bored.

I close my eyes and I can picture it. I take a breath, and with each inhale and exhale, a new idea is formed for what I could do in my little space. But I have no idea how to make it happen.

When I try to imagine how it would actually happen, all I see are the dollar signs that it would require. And so, I work. I shoot weddings and portraits, and I come to work at my quiet office job from eight to five on Monday through Friday.

And in the corners of my mind that no one sees, dreams bubble below the surface and burst into brilliantly colored shapes and forms.

So, as I look at my life, I am not entirely happy or satisfied. In fact, I am somewhat ashamed of what I have not accomplished. Because I want more. I want to do more and give more and be more. I am filled to the top with exciting ideas and a renewed determination.

And this is the year. 2011 and 30 - two numbers that will mark a jumping off point in my life. Just you watch and see.

~abi~