Thursday, July 14, 2011

needy? or created this way?

As most people who know me are aware of, my favorite NBA player is James Harden. I like him a lot. It's kind of ridiculous.

He seems like a fun, goofy guy who has great style and a keen interest in music -- why wouldn't I like him? I follow him on Twitter, and just a bit ago he posted this tweet: "You take care of Me and I will take care of Us."

That's it. Just a dozen words. And they stopped me in my tracks for a moment.

Because my heart responded to those words. And it made me a little uncomfortable. I am a thirty year old single girl. I have never been married. I have never had a child. I am independent and I support myself.

So why do those words appeal to me? Why do I unconsciously long to hear a man say such words to me? It makes me feel as if something is wrong with me. Am I weak? Needy? Or, even worse, am I a gold digger? Do I just want a guy to take care of me? I thought I was fine with taking care of myself. ... Wow. Such a simple statement sure stirred up a lot of inner debate.

But apparently, I am not the only one who felt a response to that tweet.

Picture 4

Within fifteen minutes of James posting that, it had been retweeted by ninety people.

So, what's the deal here? Is it only natural for women to desire to be taken care of, and for men to desire to take care of them? I truly believe that is how God created us, but it goes against my self-reliant, independent nature to even admit that. I don't really want to feel like I have the desire to have a guy take care of me. I want to feel like I can do it all, and be just fine, alone.

But the truth is, I don't want to do it all alone.

Not too long ago, I was sort of talking to this boy. I was pointing out my flaws, like how terrible I am at managing my money and being a responsible adult {why do we tend to tear ourselves down like that?}, and he responded by simply saying, "I can fix you." Now, that probably just rolled off his tongue without much thought, but it stuck in my head. I felt the same way about that statement from him as I did about the tweet by James Harden. I mean, shouldn't it bother me if a guy tells me he can "fix" me? Why did that statement seem so very appealing?

Is this just a constant inner turmoil that the modern day woman must deal with: to be independent and successful and yet allow a man to take care of her?

In my heart of hearts, I don't believe it shows weakness or neediness or greediness for a woman to desire and allow a man to take care of her. I truly believe that we can be strong and successful by our own merits and still be feminine enough to be taken of by a guy. It's weird, and I believe it requires a delicate balance.

My dear readers, what's your opinion on this? Please don't yell at me for mine! :) But I would love to know your thoughts.



  1. Oh, Abi...I love this pensive side of you! I may ask you to guest post on my blog! :)

    I don't think this feeling is weird at all, and although you are coming from a female p.o.v., I would say this is a human or woman.

    There is a tendency for all of us to want to look outside of ourselves (or God) for "fixing".

    I call it "Knight on White Horse Syndrome". All of us are susceptible. We want someone to swoop in to our lives and wrap it all up in a big red bow.


    I think (for me) it's because if I can make someone else responsible for me (my joy, my happiness, my peace), then I can blame them when things inevitably get rocky.

    About a year ago, I finally came to the place where I told myself that *I* was gonna be the hero of my own story. I was going to rescue myself and change my life.

    Now this is all generalities of course, and you'd presented a very specific example (loneliness, insecurity, etc) Again, I think this is human.

    What I have found in my own experience is that once I did make the decision to "rescue" myself, then I had created a healthy space for all sorts of goodies of life. Once I was no longer *needing* all those things, they started appearing.

    I think you're on the right track. You're obviously growing and the most exciting thing is that you are aware. You're conscious of what's going on. Some people never get there!

    Really great post.

  2. thank you, steve! i love your response to me even more to think about. you are a pretty cool guy, you know! :)

  3. You know this is a very good question. I have a dear friend who is currently trying to find a new guy in her life and she seems to have this internal struggle between being a very progressive/liberal woman and wanting a very liberal guy who is also somewhat old fashioned. She refers to him as the mythical "liberal cowboy". How does this relate to your thought? Well I think on some level all of us want to be taken care of in some respect or another. I would personally never say that I was going "fix" someone. That seems a bit harsh to me; however, I am 30, never married, and pretty much consistently single.

    Now it would hardly be apropos for me to speak for a woman, but I think there are some parts of your argument that can be directed toward the modern male as well. I tend to be very non-aggressive. Why? Well, in my mind I want to be respectful of whatever girl I may like, because I feel that women, and all people, deserve to be treated with a decent amount of respect at first. Now once I know you it's a different story. The problem here though, as you've seemingly indicated, is that there is part of you that wants that aggressive man that might be more prone to taking care of you.

    To be quite honest, I don't know how clear any of that was. I think the bottom line is that once you get a little older, like we unfortunately are, you start to question life and relationships. I will tell you this though, recently I've been hanging out with some friends from HS and most of them have been married and divorced. I am happy that I didn't embark on that adventure yet, as I think I know now what I'd rather have in a partner than when I was say oh... 23 or something.

    Well that's all the eloquence I can type tonight. Come to Tulsa more often! Also I played in a soccer tournament w/ a guy who looked just like James Harden only shorter this past weekend.


  4. I think that its natural for a woman to want a man. God created woman for her to be along side of the man. I was pretty young in age when jerry and I got married. But I had been taking care of myself for awhile. I still feel pretty independent. At the same time I have comfort in knowing that every night that I come home there he will be. Although I know u can take care of yourself sometimes we all need someone else to take care of us . I know that somewhere out there is the man that's gonna take care of u for the rest of ur life. Sometimes it just takes some people a lil longer to find each other. Now with that said I love my life and family every much. But I sometimes live my single girl life thru u. I sometimes envy ur ability to travel and all the amazing nights out u have.

  5. I know for me personally, I was called a "feminatzi" before I got married (a lot of I am woman hear me roar). I am independent, I can do it! But then I got married, and now I let Ray carry the luggage, fix things, and generally take care of me, he even holds the leash when we walk the dog, not because I can't, but because he can. And I love it! It wasn't a conscious transition (even my friend asked where the feminatzi went), it just seemed to come naturally. But I think it's more than just wanting to be being spoiled and pampered, I think that it's one of the ways men show their love. And what more could a woman want than her mans love. Plus I think it's part of God's design. Men are the leaders, the head of the household, and as women, we support. I think that as they lead, they take care of, which is why we have this naturally longing you're talking about.

    Glad you can share your inner thoughts!

  6. Its a perfectly normal response :) I think its all part of God's design for women, we were created to help our (future)spouses. Even in Proverbs 31, we see the woman is independent enough to get things done, she is no weakling. I think where it can go wrong, is if we are looking solely to a man to fix us, take care of us etc, instead of looking to God to be our provider first. I can say I looked to men to be the one to take care of me and put God 2nd and that has resulted in failed marriages in the long run :-P I still melt when I hear things like what James tweeted, but am also keenly aware of Who can take care of me even better than that lol :)

  7. My husband knows I can take care of myself, and can take charge and get things done, however it is nice to know I don't always have to!


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